Stream of Consciousness: I Am –

How amazing it is to think and read or to learn about a person so inspiring and that because of them, we chose to do or we chose to dare. It is amazing to me that we have the ability to affect and inspire. We can spark desire or act as the catalyst of change. I am in awe of you.
Literally in awe.
Whereas, time has proven to me again and again that come one come all, the stage is set. Life is happening before our eyes and yet, some people live, other people watch and some die alive and some people simply wither away.
But not you.

No. Somehow, you find a way to keep going. You persevere. You continue both consistently and persistently. You move no matter what comes your way. You endure and you wince, but you never stop. I swear this is mind blowing.
You are heroic. Daring. Brave. You make people think and feel and look at themselves. You do all these things and you make this seem effortless to you. This is automatic to you. However, there’s a price that comes with empathy – and to the empath, the price is high. You have all of these talents which come easy to you but you struggle to see this. 

I think in all fairness; the truest crime in our history is when we fail to see our own beauty. To me, there is nothing worse than the blind eye to our own gifts. And you, the performer, the worker, the wonder of the world; you are so many things; yet, you are nothing to yourself.

You work so hard. You give everything you have. You would sing and dance and laugh, just to bring a smile to someone’s face. You do this so that they would never know what it’s like to feel sad. You do this because you know what it’s like to live in the absence of happiness.
Better yet, you do this because you know about despair. But more, you do this because you understand agony enough that you would never wish this upon anyone else. Also, you do this with hopes to open the door to the soul, to let in the light, so that the kid in you doesn’t have to fear the dark anymore.

I am amazed. No, wait. I am more than amazed. I am inspired and there is a piece of me which understands why you break down. There is a piece of me that sees this and I wonder who’s there for you?
Where’s your inspiration?
Who comes along to you without judgment and sits beside you without criticism and smiles?

There are so many pieces of us and I don’t know if the world understands. I don’t know if anyone gets it. I only know there is us.
There is me and there is you. There are the pieces of us who live deep inside. This is the child. This is the kid that was kicked when they were down. This is the abuse. This is the fear and the hurt and the pain. There is this person in us, which is not to say that we are crazy or that we have split personalities or anything of the sort. But there is someone in there. I know it.

We have stories. We have a background. We have pain and history and memories that linger. We have moved forward and as time gathered, we’ve improved. We’ve matured. We’ve grown and we’ve learned how to protect ourselves. At the same time, there are memories. There are scars that no one else can see. No one knows about them (except us). There are battle wounds that act up when the rain comes; I mean this in the figurative sense. When the rain hits, we feel the old aches and pains that remind us of what happened.

There are moments when I let this surface. I know I’ve told you this but I need to say this again. There are times when I call upon this person who lives within me. I allow him to step out and show himself. I give him the freedom to speak and show his fear. I give him an open mic and he can scream or cry or yell. I give him room to tell his story. I let him right the wrongs and free himself; and at the same time, I can say that no one has ever seen him but me (and now you).

I am a real person.

I am equipped with all the same physical needs. I have lungs to breathe with. I have eyes so that I can see. I have ears so I can hear. I have a heart that beats in my chest and pushes the blood throughout my system.
I have a mind. I have ideas. I have a past and a future and above all, I have the present. I have this moment before the sun comes up. Like, now.
I have this time with you in the early morning before the world is awake.
(I cherish this.)
The sun is an hour away from arrival. The sky is still dark and most of the world is asleep.
Except us. 

You amaze me.
You amaze the world too.
But what’s this worth if you don’t see it yourself?

Perhaps I never told you about the first time I heard Shakespeare. I was in the 8th grade. My teacher was an older woman. She was somewhat hard and tough.
One day, the teacher read something out loud. I had never heard anything like this before and as she read, I saw her differently. This was nothing close to an intimate crush but more, this was a moment of admiration. I was caught by her every word. This was Romeo and Juliet.

“Two households . . .
both alike in dignity in fair Verona
where we lay our scene
from an ancient grudge to new mutiny
where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of the these two foes
a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life.”

There was a time when I would never admit to any of this. I would never show myself or my true face (or my tears). And there were times when I sat at tables listening to people who speak so highly of themselves. They talked about their education. They talked about their ivy league worlds and i allowed myself to believe that I didn’t belong.
I would hear them quote scriptures and speak about poems as if, for some reason, they were smarter and better than others because they know about this.

I would hear this and shake my head.
I heard someone regard Mark Twain incorrectly to which I replied, “Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.” The person’s response: I didn’t expect to hear that (from someone like you).
Am I this?

I am more than my shell. I am more than the sound of my voice. I am more than my history and more than an image. I am more than an accent and more than the ink that’s been tattooed in my skin.
I am more than this and to me, I am the light. I am the way. I am the only advocate to my truth.
I am the work that supports my faith. I am all of this and more, consecutively, each day…

because of you.