Everything Fell Where They May

I can understand the reason why people take a drink or a pill or look to find something that helps them sail beyond the concrete on the sidewalks of New York City.
I have been here for as long as I can remember. However, I have moved around from the Eastside, Westside, Uptown and as my life has turned, I am currently Downtown.
I work across the street from Ground Zero which is the spot where The Towers used to stand.

I am here at work more days than I am not here, which is how life goes when it comes to being an adult.
I look out from a big window on the 15th floor from my place of business and I look downward and see the memorial pools where the buildings used to stand.

It amazes me how people at my place of employment had yet to be born when The Towers went down.
I had yet to be born yet too, which is not to say that I was not alive or around at the time of September 11, 2001.
No, I was very much alive and yet, I had yet to understand what it means to live.
I failed myself.
I gave up a life that should have been mine and therefore, I followed the wrong path, which only turned out to be painful and far more difficult than I could ever imagine.

I should have followed my heart instead of my fears.
But no.
I was a coward in rebel’s clothing

There was a day when I went left instead of right.
I chose the wrong door, so-to-speak, and I followed the wrong person.
There was someone else who loved me. And I loved her too.
But I went one way and she went the other.
Somehow, none of this ever sat well with me.
I never dared to follow my truth and to be clear; it took decades for me to fully understand what happens when life is lived or predicated on a lie.

I can assure you that the saying “to thine own self be true” is far more important than we think

I remember the old theater by 40th street.
I remember the show RENT
I remember the meaning of this playhouse and the show and the impact this had on me.

I remember the dreams I had and how poignant it was for me to think about the creator from the show RENT.
He died before the show’s opening night.

This is my biggest fear.
To build something . . .
To work so hard . . .
To achieve it and succeed despite all my faults and flaws and sicknesses . . .
and to “do it all,” and never have the chance to see the blossoms or taste the fruit from something I nurtured and created.

I used to nurture my own destruction because at best, these are what the predictions said I was capable of

I used to think that “someone like me,” could only do so much.
I used to believe that at best, I should be happy with the common achievement of subpar mediocrity. 

I’ve had glimpses though.
I’ve had tiny views from little widows, like peepholes, and I have had moments where I was like a king.
I ate well . . .
These things were short lived and then again, of course they were short lived because nothing plastic can withstand the heat of truth.
And I?
I was not true to myself
I never had the guts or the balls or the courage to say what I wanted.
There were dreams I had, which I abandoned because who else believes in these things?
No one else believed in me.
So why would I?

It is odd for me to say that I have people pleasing issues. At the same time, I have a need for acceptance and therefore, it is odd or maybe I am too obvious that I yearn and wish for acceptance while dressed in my rebel’s clothing.
“I just want to be pure.”
I remember the first time I heard Jim Carroll read this from his poetry.

What does it mean to be pure?
To be true?

Ah, New York . . .
You have seen me from a runt to a grown man
I was more myself when I was younger and afraid and yet; I am older and willing to take a chance but the chances and the options are off the table
(And so it goes . . . life)

I am sorry for my decisions.
I miss so many things like the old walks I used to take or the trips I’d make around the City.
Nothing goes back to the way it was.
I get it,
But I?
I have to try.
I have to see what I can do.
I have to work hard and yes, maybe I might build something great like the creator from the show RENT.
And maybe I might die the night before opening night.
But what if I make it?
What if my dreams are even better in real life?
What if everything turns out better than I planned?
What my heart comes back to me?

I have to try.
I have to do whatever it takes
and let the chips . . .
fall where they may